Sometimes this motherhood business overwhelms me. Not the kind of pain where your heart constricts because your child is hurting -- no, that's something else. The kind of overwhelming helplessness and later numbness when it just seems like you keep screwing up. Right now I'm the black shadow of the family. The dark cloud. And I don't know if it's the right thing. In a nutshell, I cancelled a family trip because I didn't want to miss my training walks. They all think I'm selfish, and you probably do too, but the decision's made and everyone's upset. It's the hour-long crying from my two older boys when I told them we weren't going that makes me vacillate from feeling sorry to feeling angry to feeling burnt.
Oh, I didn't mean to air all this dirty laundry. And I'll probably go back and delete it. But right now, I have to stop myself from spiraling into the future and imagining everyone's therapy sessions. Or stay present and bathe my little one, empty the dishwasher, do more laundry, pick up kids from school, take them to baseball, make dinner, repeat.
Perspective. It really is all it's cracked up to be.