Sometimes this motherhood business overwhelms me. Not the kind of pain where your heart constricts because your child is hurting -- no, that's something else. The kind of overwhelming helplessness and later numbness when it just seems like you keep screwing up. Right now I'm the black shadow of the family. The dark cloud. And I don't know if it's the right thing. In a nutshell, I cancelled a family trip because I didn't want to miss my training walks. They all think I'm selfish, and you probably do too, but the decision's made and everyone's upset. It's the hour-long crying from my two older boys when I told them we weren't going that makes me vacillate from feeling sorry to feeling angry to feeling burnt. Oh, I didn't mean to air all this dirty laundry. And I'll probably go back and delete it. But right now, I have to stop myself from spiraling into the future and imagining everyone's therapy sessions. Or stay present and bathe my little one, empty the dishwasher, do more laundry, pick up kids from school, take them to baseball, make dinner, repeat.
Perspective. It really is all it's cracked up to be.
4 comments:
don't delete. I've been moaning about not wanting to go camping in a few weeks. just not a priority in my life right now, but it's all booked. totally get this ... but does this mean you won't be coming? no guilt, we'll see one another soon, another time.
i've written three comments and deleted them.
i don't want to sound preachy or whatever. but stop beating yourself up. ok? you're fine. they'll be ok. but i do understand how it's hard and necessary all at the same time.
xo
Something struck me about your post. So here I am, commenting. I don't have kids, I have family I am not particularly close with because I do not travel. At the end of the day in my rinse-and-repeat life I don't have what you have, family close enough to kiss goodnight on their forehead. Take comfort in that because 2 months from now they'll still love you regardless and because let me tell you, kissing a warm computer monitor at the end of a long day just isn't that great.
Anonymous,
Thanks for your comment. I appreciate your giving me some of the perspective I needed. And you're right, it is nice to get a snuggle at the end of the night, even those nights when I've been in front of the computer for too long.
I hope you have a warm, welcoming place (close to home) to spend Thanksgiving. Thank you for reaching out.
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